Friday, September 26, 2008

A Little Bit About Nothing

MB3 and I had a long discussion this morning, mostly about JD and LovelyDaughter and the changes we fear are here. MB3 feels that he has lost his big sister forever. I try to encourage him, but without much conviction, for I too am afraid that she is gone forever. But perhaps we're being hasty. In fact, I HOPE we are being hasty.

I took myself to town today, ostensibly to renew the license on the chipper truck and return library books. But I also sat and read a book at the library, and had a little chat with the guy at the health food store, and spent all the time I wanted trying to choose a notebook at Walmart. (Note: I should have cut back my time at the library and gone to the office supply store.)

Now I'm home, with two shirts for myself: a brown camisole and a green tank top-- $3 each!-- for undershirts for this fall. Also a fresh stash of Dove chocolate, which truly is a splurge, the price of Dove being what it is. I rationalize by saying I'll share; it's not just for me.

I brought home licorice for GuitarGeek and mints for MB3. Stuff I used to do all the time-- out shopping, spending an afternoon to myself, then bringing home trinkets and library books for the family, just because.

It feels good.

I know it's time to make supper-- past time-- but I'm still enjoying being just a bit decadent in my own mild way. I'm not quite ready to jump in and be busy and responsible.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

About Sin and Salvation

In 2006 I bought a software called Notebook and began keeping a journal. I wrote regularly in 2006 and pretty much regularly in 2007. (This year's notebook, 2008, has all of seven entries, including the one I wrote today.)

And by the way, it was interesting to do a search to find how many times I mentioned being achy. Very interesting.

Also interesting to find how much my energy level and motivation have decreased over the last two years. I hope it's the fibromyalgia and not my age. There's hope for the fibromyalgia, but not much I can do about getting older!

Anyway, I ran across a little something I wrote on July 10 of 2006 that I'd like to share here:

I have been thinking hard about life, and God, and dreams, and surrender, and joy in work, and making your dreams come true. Wondering how it all fits together. There appears to be a strong human spirit in all of us that makes us more powerful than we know. And we have it whether we know God or not. So then, what do we need God for? I suppose for answering our sin question. No one can deal with sin.

But now I'm having crazy thoughts, like "what is sin exactly?" I know the traditional definitions, but I'm starting to get a slightly different picture of sin. There is an element of choice and defiance. But we are not just perpetrators of sin, we are victims of sin --Sin is something we need to be saved from.

I'm also wondering if sin encompasses all the wounds and imperfections and inadequacies we suffer from, as well as the purposeful wrong actions. That doesn't necessarily mean we are to be blamed for our imperfections. I think we are victims, so to speak, of a sinful world where we are no longer perfect, and Jesus came to rescue us from that. And in his great mercy he also brought forgiveness for our rebellion and defiance.


What do you think?

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Ya Think?

I've been reading two new books I just got.

One is called Food That Helps Win the Battle Against Fibromyalgia--Ease Everyday Pain and Fight Fatigue.

The other is called Freedom From Fibromyalgia--The 5 Week Program Proven to Conquer Pain.

The first book is one part discussion of fibromyalgia, one part nutrition, and two parts cookbook. Very interesting, mostly the cookbook part, because each recipe has an introductory paragraph explaining the nutritional benefits of the ingredients. For example, the recipe for Zucchini and Mushroom Quiche begins like this:

Zucchini is an excellent source of the antioxidants vitamin C, beta-carotene, and lutein, which promote eye health and are anti-inflammatory. Mushrooms are probiotic and help the body restore balance and regain strength.


See, that's good, because that's information I can use any time I cook, not just out of this cookbook. I think it will be very useful. Plus, surprisingly, many of the recipes actually look tasty.

And a lot of them even use ingredients I already use, such as the How Sweet It Is Potato Gratin (sweet potatoes, russet potatoes, butter, Parmesan).

Not ALL of them of course. Like, I can't see myself making the Berry Buzz Smoothie (raw macadamia nuts, tofu, rice protein powder, D-ribose [huh?], bee pollen).

So that's looking interesting and useful.

The other book, the Five Week Cure, is also interesting, in other ways.

The two authors propose that fibromyalgia results when sensitive people have emotions and don't acknowledge them. Rather, those feelings get morphed into physical reactions, which cause very real, and very painful symptoms.

The cure then, is to learn how to recognize your stress and emotions. Sometimes that's enough-- just the recognition. Other times, you need to find an acceptable outlet for those feelings, and find a way to deal with them.

For example, you suddenly have a very bad recurrence of pain and after thinking about it you find you're angry with someone, like a boss who mistreats you, or a spouse who misunderstands, or a child who leaves his stuff all over. Sometimes just admitting that it makes you angry is enough to ease the physical pain. Sometimes you need to speak to the boss, or have a talk with your spouse, or tell the kids to pick up their stuff, it's driving you crazy.

The authors recommend taking one to two hours a day for meditation and keeping a journal, and simplifying your life.

I've been thinking, and I wonder...

About three years ago I made a decision to stop ranting when I was upset, and also to stop talking as much as possible. I thought that was the healthy, Christian thing to do. Stop complaining, stop being negative, stop speaking those words into my life, stop hurting the people around me with my frustration.

And then I took it one step further. I felt that I only got angry or frustrated when stress boiled up and over. But I also thought that what comes out in that situation was only what was there all along. After all, when a pot of soup boils over, you get soup.

I figured, then, that my problem was having the emotions in the first place. If I never felt angry or frustrated, then I wouldn't need to let off steam or boil over. My goal was that if I ever did boil up, all that would come out would be sweetness from the pot. So I tried to never feel anything negative. That way there would never be anything negative that needed to be expressed.

But something must have been wrong with my logic.

After reading the book, I realized that it was about three years ago that I began suffering from debilitating fatigue, extreme achiness, and sleep disturbances; and it's been gradually getting worse, especially when I'm under stress.

Obviously, my "solution" was not helpful in the long run and I need to find a more healthy option.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The Blender of Emotions

I'm so excited about LovelyDaughter's new life

vs.

I miss her horribly.



I think JD is a wonderful young man.

vs.

I'm angry at him for sweeping in and carrying my daughter and best girlfriend away.



I can't wait till they get back.

vs.

I'm dreading their return and all the changes in our relationship.

Friday, September 19, 2008

I Might Have a Tiny Streak of Adventure

There's something regarding the wedding that I haven't mentioned yet. In honor of the day, I got a tattoo.

Yes, really, I did.

Well, sort of.

JD has a large tattoo wrapping his shoulder. It's some sort of Celtic-ish design that he designed himself. It looks pretty cool, and, surprisingly, I like it.

Which is very, very weird. Early in the summer I would shake my head in disbelief when I would realize once again that LovelyDaughter was marrying a guy with a TATTOO. Strange.

But somewhere along the line, my ideas began to change, and, long story short, I got this odd idea that I wanted a tattoo for the wedding. A temporary tattoo. I planned to buy a kit for it, and have LovelyDaughter, with her artistic talent, do it for me. It would last about two weeks.

However, with all the last minute busy-ness and sickness, it didn't happen.

And then. On the day of the wedding I remembered that some people do very temporary tattoos with an ordinary black Sharpie permanent marker. It lasts maybe two days and looks very realistic. Ah ha, I thought.

So I bought a fine tip marker, and at our pre-wedding supper, I presented it to LovelyDaughter and asked her if she would do the honors.

I had showed her earlier a couple of tattoo designs online that caught my fancy, and using those for inspiration she sketched several ideas on the back of a grocery receipt that I had in my purse. I picked one, and she drew it for me on my back, just above the line of my dress.

I'm not sure why I wanted it. It just sounded like a crazy idea, something to make the day memorable. (As if it wasn't memorable enough-- I know.)

By the time we got to the wedding, I had already forgotten I had it. So after the ceremony, I was surprised at the number of people who commented on it. And all favorably! My uncle kept asking me, "Is it real?" and I had no idea what he was talking about at first. He was even disappointed when I told him it was temporary, just for the wedding, and he showed me the tattoos on both of his arms. (Oh yeah, I'd forgotten he'd turned biker dude over the last few years. Gee, he's got to be almost sixty.)

Later I even found out that there had been discussion among my friends behind my back --(Get it? behind my back? Har. Sorry. Very lame)-- about whether it was real, and whether I was crazy/adventurous enough to REALLY have a tattoo done. Of course, the answer was No, and No.

At least, I think the second answer is No. I mean, I MIGHT seriously consider getting a real, i.e., permanent tattoo sometime. But that would be unthinkable. Wouldn't it? I can't decide.

I mean, what if I get really sick and tired of my design after ten, or five, or two years? Then what?

(Now there's a thought: Maybe I should wait till I'm sixty or seventy. Then I would have less time to get tired of it...)

What if really I'm too old, and I'll just look like I'm in midlife crisis?

(Of course, that IS actually a possibility, I suppose, and if that's the case, then, really, who cares? If men can get shiny sports cars, maybe women can get tattoos?)

Do I have the right personality for a tattoo? Am I weird enough?

(or isn't that a criteria?)

Will it look really stupid on me when I'm old(er)?

Am I completely whacked for even thinking about it?

Am I just showing a latent rebellious streak? Will I shock people? Will I open the door to other weird behaviors for my kids? As in, If mom got a tattoo, then I can get my belly button pierced? Will it HURT? (Okay, that one I do know the answer to: Yes.)

On the one hand, I'm pretty sure I'm nuts. On the other hand, I have this urge to be crazy and adventurous.

So I guess it boils down this: I feel like being crazy, or I already am!

Okay. It's your turn now to put in your two cents worth. Add your vote to my new poll, and let's see what you think about momhuebert turning into a CrazyMama.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Another Glimpse

DrummerDude sent me a few of his pictures from the wedding, and I picked a few to show you.

This first one I like, for some reason. It's technically not a "good" picture, but I love the moment it captures. That's LovelyDaughter, of course, being hugged by Dad. To the right, JD and his dad are exchanging a hug also.



This is LovelyDaughter with Grandpa. I think she looks very beautiful in this one.




And here's the whole bunch of us: JD, LovelyDaughter, Hubby, me, MB3, DrummerDude, and GuitarGeek (who must be just blinking-- that's a rather odd expression he's wearing.) MB3 and DrummerDude are not as scary as they look. They just like the "sober" look in photos. Also, I sure enjoyed wearing the dress I have on in the photo. The other day I bought a black shrug to wear with it, so I can use it now in cooler weather, and just in time, because this weekend is our annual Dinner Out with MandoNut and his folks, and they love to eat at NICE places. I get to dress up! Again!



A portrait of the bridal couple. I have to say that I have never seen a bride and groom look as relaxed as these two do. It must be because we kept the wedding simple. Also, we had no marathon photo session before the ceremony. On-the-spot snapshots are the only photos we have, but they all look so alive, and capture the day so well.

******

I know it's been three weeks since the wedding, and two weeks since the couple left on their trip, but I still find myself looking at the pictures over and over. Re-living, remembering; embedding it in my brain. Trying to somehow comprehend that this life-altering event has really happened. Trying to understand that I have stepped across into a new strata of life; a mother of grown children.

There are days I really miss LovelyDaughter.

Not because she's gone on a trip.

No, some days, in spite of all common sense, even though I am very happy and excited for her, I miss my unmarried, live-at-home daughter, who is gone forever.

Even stranger, I feel kinda like Megan at FriedOkra when she watched her little girl trot off to preschool for the first time (my adaptations in italics):

I didn't cry. Are y'all proud? Actually, I wasn't even sad. Because... this foray into married life feels right for LovelyDaughter at this stage in our lives, and I know she's truly going to love it. She needs some time and experiences all her own right now. The only things I felt walking away from the wedding were giddy excitement for her and a huge sense of pride at how she's grown up and become (acceptably) independent and ready for this, and I've been right there with her throughout the process. And dang y'all, that just feels GOOD.

I can't wait to pick her up after her honeymoon and hear all about it. I can't wait to tell her how proud I am of her and HOW STINKIN' MUCH I LOVE HER.

Oops. Did I say I didn't cry?

Guess I called that one a little early.

Sniffle.

I guess it all comes around.


(read what Megan actually wrote here.)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Which Way Is Up?


I've been reading articles and following, sort of, the political news, and now I remember why I usually don't.

It's a little bit like an optical illusion, particularly the one I have pictured here. Which way are the stairs going? At first, it's obvious which way, and then, after you look for a while, the stairs suddenly turn upside down.

That's the way I felt after reading an article by a woman who insisted that if McCain and Palin got into office, life in America as we know it would be over. Our lives would go down the drain, and so would our country.

Funny, that's pretty much what I thought, only with different names.

It felt strange to suddenly see the situation upside down.

Not that I didn't know there were people who disagree with me. Not that I don't sympathize with their point of view. This was different. I can't explain it, except it was disconcerting.

The question I found myself asking was, of course, Who's right? And the answer is, I'm not sure.

The only way to find out which direction the stairs really go, would be to put people on those stairs and see who walks and who falls off.

I guess after the election, when we start walking the stairs we have chosen, we'll find out.