A Little Bit About Nothing

MB3 and I had a long discussion this morning, mostly about JD and LovelyDaughter and the changes we fear are here. MB3 feels that he has lost his big sister forever. I try to encourage him, but without much conviction, for I too am afraid that she is gone forever. But perhaps we're being hasty. In fact, I HOPE we are being hasty.

I took myself to town today, ostensibly to renew the license on the chipper truck and return library books. But I also sat and read a book at the library, and had a little chat with the guy at the health food store, and spent all the time I wanted trying to choose a notebook at Walmart. (Note: I should have cut back my time at the library and gone to the office supply store.)

Now I'm home, with two shirts for myself: a brown camisole and a green tank top-- $3 each!-- for undershirts for this fall. Also a fresh stash of Dove chocolate, which truly is a splurge, the price of Dove being what it is. I rationalize by saying I'll share; it's not just for me.

I brought home licorice for GuitarGeek and mints for MB3. Stuff I used to do all the time-- out shopping, spending an afternoon to myself, then bringing home trinkets and library books for the family, just because.

It feels good.

I know it's time to make supper-- past time-- but I'm still enjoying being just a bit decadent in my own mild way. I'm not quite ready to jump in and be busy and responsible.

About Sin and Salvation

In 2006 I bought a software called Notebook and began keeping a journal. I wrote regularly in 2006 and pretty much regularly in 2007. (This year's notebook, 2008, has all of seven entries, including the one I wrote today.)

And by the way, it was interesting to do a search to find how many times I mentioned being achy. Very interesting.

Also interesting to find how much my energy level and motivation have decreased over the last two years. I hope it's the fibromyalgia and not my age. There's hope for the fibromyalgia, but not much I can do about getting older!

Anyway, I ran across a little something I wrote on July 10 of 2006 that I'd like to share here:

I have been thinking hard about life, and God, and dreams, and surrender, and joy in work, and making your dreams come true. Wondering how it all fits together. There appears to be a strong human spirit in all of us that makes us more powerful than we know. And we have it whether we know God or not. So then, what do we need God for? I suppose for answering our sin question. No one can deal with sin.

But now I'm having crazy thoughts, like "what is sin exactly?" I know the traditional definitions, but I'm starting to get a slightly different picture of sin. There is an element of choice and defiance. But we are not just perpetrators of sin, we are victims of sin --Sin is something we need to be saved from.

I'm also wondering if sin encompasses all the wounds and imperfections and inadequacies we suffer from, as well as the purposeful wrong actions. That doesn't necessarily mean we are to be blamed for our imperfections. I think we are victims, so to speak, of a sinful world where we are no longer perfect, and Jesus came to rescue us from that. And in his great mercy he also brought forgiveness for our rebellion and defiance.

What do you think?

Ya Think?

I've been reading two new books I just got.

One is called Food That Helps Win the Battle Against Fibromyalgia--Ease Everyday Pain and Fight Fatigue.

The other is called Freedom From Fibromyalgia--The 5 Week Program Proven to Conquer Pain.

The first book is one part discussion of fibromyalgia, one part nutrition, and two parts cookbook. Very interesting, mostly the cookbook part, because each recipe has an introductory paragraph explaining the nutritional benefits of the ingredients. For example, the recipe for Zucchini and Mushroom Quiche begins like this:

Zucchini is an excellent source of the antioxidants vitamin C, beta-carotene, and lutein, which promote eye health and are anti-inflammatory. Mushrooms are probiotic and help the body restore balance and regain strength.

See, that's good, because that's information I can use any time I cook, not just out of this cookbook. I think it will be very useful. Plus, surprisingly, many of the recipes actually look tasty.

And a lot of them even use ingredients I already use, such as the How Sweet It Is Potato Gratin (sweet potatoes, russet potatoes, butter, Parmesan).

Not ALL of them of course. Like, I can't see myself making the Berry Buzz Smoothie (raw macadamia nuts, tofu, rice protein powder, D-ribose [huh?], bee pollen).

So that's looking interesting and useful.

The other book, the Five Week Cure, is also interesting, in other ways.

The two authors propose that fibromyalgia results when sensitive people have emotions and don't acknowledge them. Rather, those feelings get morphed into physical reactions, which cause very real, and very painful symptoms.

The cure then, is to learn how to recognize your stress and emotions. Sometimes that's enough-- just the recognition. Other times, you need to find an acceptable outlet for those feelings, and find a way to deal with them.

For example, you suddenly have a very bad recurrence of pain and after thinking about it you find you're angry with someone, like a boss who mistreats you, or a spouse who misunderstands, or a child who leaves his stuff all over. Sometimes just admitting that it makes you angry is enough to ease the physical pain. Sometimes you need to speak to the boss, or have a talk with your spouse, or tell the kids to pick up their stuff, it's driving you crazy.

The authors recommend taking one to two hours a day for meditation and keeping a journal, and simplifying your life.

I've been thinking, and I wonder...

About three years ago I made a decision to stop ranting when I was upset, and also to stop talking as much as possible. I thought that was the healthy, Christian thing to do. Stop complaining, stop being negative, stop speaking those words into my life, stop hurting the people around me with my frustration.

And then I took it one step further. I felt that I only got angry or frustrated when stress boiled up and over. But I also thought that what comes out in that situation was only what was there all along. After all, when a pot of soup boils over, you get soup.

I figured, then, that my problem was having the emotions in the first place. If I never felt angry or frustrated, then I wouldn't need to let off steam or boil over. My goal was that if I ever did boil up, all that would come out would be sweetness from the pot. So I tried to never feel anything negative. That way there would never be anything negative that needed to be expressed.

But something must have been wrong with my logic.

After reading the book, I realized that it was about three years ago that I began suffering from debilitating fatigue, extreme achiness, and sleep disturbances; and it's been gradually getting worse, especially when I'm under stress.

Obviously, my "solution" was not helpful in the long run and I need to find a more healthy option.

The Blender of Emotions

I'm so excited about LovelyDaughter's new life

vs.

I miss her horribly.



I think JD is a wonderful young man.

vs.

I'm angry at him for sweeping in and carrying my daughter and best girlfriend away.



I can't wait till they get back.

vs.

I'm dreading their return and all the changes in our relationship.

I Might Have a Tiny Streak of Adventure

There's something regarding the wedding that I haven't mentioned yet. In honor of the day, I got a tattoo.

Yes, really, I did.

Well, sort of.

JD has a large tattoo wrapping his shoulder. It's some sort of Celtic-ish design that he designed himself. It looks pretty cool, and, surprisingly, I like it.

Which is very, very weird. Early in the summer I would shake my head in disbelief when I would realize once again that LovelyDaughter was marrying a guy with a TATTOO. Strange.

But somewhere along the line, my ideas began to change, and, long story short, I got this odd idea that I wanted a tattoo for the wedding. A temporary tattoo. I planned to buy a kit for it, and have LovelyDaughter, with her artistic talent, do it for me. It would last about two weeks.

However, with all the last minute busy-ness and sickness, it didn't happen.

And then. On the day of the wedding I remembered that some people do very temporary tattoos with an ordinary black Sharpie permanent marker. It lasts maybe two days and looks very realistic. Ah ha, I thought.

So I bought a fine tip marker, and at our pre-wedding supper, I presented it to LovelyDaughter and asked her if she would do the honors.

I had showed her earlier a couple of tattoo designs online that caught my fancy, and using those for inspiration she sketched several ideas on the back of a grocery receipt that I had in my purse. I picked one, and she drew it for me on my back, just above the line of my dress.

I'm not sure why I wanted it. It just sounded like a crazy idea, something to make the day memorable. (As if it wasn't memorable enough-- I know.)

By the time we got to the wedding, I had already forgotten I had it. So after the ceremony, I was surprised at the number of people who commented on it. And all favorably! My uncle kept asking me, "Is it real?" and I had no idea what he was talking about at first. He was even disappointed when I told him it was temporary, just for the wedding, and he showed me the tattoos on both of his arms. (Oh yeah, I'd forgotten he'd turned biker dude over the last few years. Gee, he's got to be almost sixty.)

Later I even found out that there had been discussion among my friends behind my back --(Get it? behind my back? Har. Sorry. Very lame)-- about whether it was real, and whether I was crazy/adventurous enough to REALLY have a tattoo done. Of course, the answer was No, and No.

At least, I think the second answer is No. I mean, I MIGHT seriously consider getting a real, i.e., permanent tattoo sometime. But that would be unthinkable. Wouldn't it? I can't decide.

I mean, what if I get really sick and tired of my design after ten, or five, or two years? Then what?

(Now there's a thought: Maybe I should wait till I'm sixty or seventy. Then I would have less time to get tired of it...)

What if really I'm too old, and I'll just look like I'm in midlife crisis?

(Of course, that IS actually a possibility, I suppose, and if that's the case, then, really, who cares? If men can get shiny sports cars, maybe women can get tattoos?)

Do I have the right personality for a tattoo? Am I weird enough?

(or isn't that a criteria?)

Will it look really stupid on me when I'm old(er)?

Am I completely whacked for even thinking about it?

Am I just showing a latent rebellious streak? Will I shock people? Will I open the door to other weird behaviors for my kids? As in, If mom got a tattoo, then I can get my belly button pierced? Will it HURT? (Okay, that one I do know the answer to: Yes.)

On the one hand, I'm pretty sure I'm nuts. On the other hand, I have this urge to be crazy and adventurous.

So I guess it boils down this: I feel like being crazy, or I already am!

Okay. It's your turn now to put in your two cents worth. Add your vote to my new poll, and let's see what you think about momhuebert turning into a CrazyMama.

~ flexiPoll: free online web poll ~

Another Glimpse

DrummerDude sent me a few of his pictures from the wedding, and I picked a few to show you.

This first one I like, for some reason. It's technically not a "good" picture, but I love the moment it captures. That's LovelyDaughter, of course, being hugged by Dad. To the right, JD and his dad are exchanging a hug also.



This is LovelyDaughter with Grandpa. I think she looks very beautiful in this one.




And here's the whole bunch of us: JD, LovelyDaughter, Hubby, me, MB3, DrummerDude, and GuitarGeek (who must be just blinking-- that's a rather odd expression he's wearing.) MB3 and DrummerDude are not as scary as they look. They just like the "sober" look in photos. Also, I sure enjoyed wearing the dress I have on in the photo. The other day I bought a black shrug to wear with it, so I can use it now in cooler weather, and just in time, because this weekend is our annual Dinner Out with MandoNut and his folks, and they love to eat at NICE places. I get to dress up! Again!



A portrait of the bridal couple. I have to say that I have never seen a bride and groom look as relaxed as these two do. It must be because we kept the wedding simple. Also, we had no marathon photo session before the ceremony. On-the-spot snapshots are the only photos we have, but they all look so alive, and capture the day so well.

******

I know it's been three weeks since the wedding, and two weeks since the couple left on their trip, but I still find myself looking at the pictures over and over. Re-living, remembering; embedding it in my brain. Trying to somehow comprehend that this life-altering event has really happened. Trying to understand that I have stepped across into a new strata of life; a mother of grown children.

There are days I really miss LovelyDaughter.

Not because she's gone on a trip.

No, some days, in spite of all common sense, even though I am very happy and excited for her, I miss my unmarried, live-at-home daughter, who is gone forever.

Even stranger, I feel kinda like Megan at FriedOkra when she watched her little girl trot off to preschool for the first time (my adaptations in italics):

I didn't cry. Are y'all proud? Actually, I wasn't even sad. Because... this foray into married life feels right for LovelyDaughter at this stage in our lives, and I know she's truly going to love it. She needs some time and experiences all her own right now. The only things I felt walking away from the wedding were giddy excitement for her and a huge sense of pride at how she's grown up and become (acceptably) independent and ready for this, and I've been right there with her throughout the process. And dang y'all, that just feels GOOD.

I can't wait to pick her up after her honeymoon and hear all about it. I can't wait to tell her how proud I am of her and HOW STINKIN' MUCH I LOVE HER.

Oops. Did I say I didn't cry?

Guess I called that one a little early.

Sniffle.

I guess it all comes around.


(read what Megan actually wrote here.)

Which Way Is Up?

I've been reading articles and following, sort of, the political news, and now I remember why I usually don't.

It's a little bit like an optical illusion, particularly the one I have pictured here. Which way are the stairs going? At first, it's obvious which way, and then, after you look for a while, the stairs suddenly turn upside down.

That's the way I felt after reading an article by a woman who insisted that if McCain and Palin got into office, life in America as we know it would be over. Our lives would go down the drain, and so would our country.

Funny, that's pretty much what I thought, only with different names.

It felt strange to suddenly see the situation upside down.

Not that I didn't know there were people who disagree with me. Not that I don't sympathize with their point of view. This was different. I can't explain it, except it was disconcerting.

The question I found myself asking was, of course, Who's right? And the answer is, I'm not sure.

The only way to find out which direction the stairs really go, would be to put people on those stairs and see who walks and who falls off.

I guess after the election, when we start walking the stairs we have chosen, we'll find out.

What We Did Saturday

It was a beautiful day for Heritage Day.

Hubby and I set up our waffle-making project. We use antique waffle irons that the original Mennonite immigrants to this area brought with them from Russia. They are cast iron and designed to be used over a fire. You'll see two of them in the picture.
One belongs to Hubby's dad, and the other is ours. We use ours all the time to make waffles at home. That's why we're so good at it.... :)

I mixed up all the dry ingredients at home, but then I made the mangzel-- also known as white sauce, pudding sauce, waffle gravy, or even Schmuckuss-- on the spot.

If you have only eaten waffles with syrup, then you are missing out. The sauce is pretty much just warm vanilla pudding, and with the crisp waffle fresh from the iron, it tastes like you're eating cream puffs for supper.

Hubby's dad baked bread in the outdoor oven. He built this oven, and also the one in his backyard. He and his wife use it all the time to make bread. That's why they're so good at it. :)

Besides eating waffles and bread, you could take a ride on the horse wagon. This was one of the few non-food related events. Being as this was a Mennonite heritage day, it doesn't surprise me that most of the demonstrations had to do with food.

You could also watch apple cider being pressed, and drink a sample, and then buy some to take home. Or you could go in the barn and pick up a plate of food, which would include chunks of ring bologna, tweiback, cheese, prieschka, and neeyosh kooka.

There were other things I don't have pictures for. You could have helped stir the lard in the rendering kettle, or watched soap being made and laundry being washed (in an antique Maytag), or helped shell corn, or make butter. Or even walked around on stilts or had a gunny sack race.

The men love to gather round and watch the old engines run (while they're munching on schnetya and drinking coffee).

And don't forget a visit to the outhouse... A step back into the past would not be complete without that. (See it there, to the right of the summer kitchen?)
While we were getting ready for the day, Hubby and I were reminiscing about other years we've made waffles for a community event. In those years, the kids were young, and we made it a homeschool project. LovelyDaughter made a wonderful sign for our booth, and helped me make waffle batter and mangzel. The boys took turns manning our cash drawer and serving customers. This day it was just Hubby and me.

However, DrummerDude came along and took pictures and hung out in the summer kitchen with Granny. And 'long about noon, GuitarGeek and MB3 showed up hungry, so we fried up some waffles for them. Good days. Good memories.

Can I complain? Please?

No?

No?

Okay, then, I guess I won't.

I had a nice(?) complain-y post all written, about my aches and pains, and tiredness, and responsibilities, and the rain (because it makes me ache worse) but

one, Hubby didn't think it was advisable to publish it,

and

two, I felt immediately better after writing it, and therefore don't feel the need to inflict you, dear reader, with it.

So, excuse the interruption. Carry on.

Dance All Day, Fiddle All Night-- Oh wait, that's not right...

The other day I suddenly remembered a neighbor who lived across the street from my childhood home. Her yard was always mowed, her hedge always trimmed; I'd see her husband out in the yard often. Every morning I'd see her step out on her front stoop and shake one or two throw rugs-- which was my introduction to the idea of shaking rugs.

I can't remember if I ever saw the inside of her house, but I know from looking at the outside-- and at the garage, where sometimes I played with her daughter-- that it was clean and orderly.

So I know she worked hard and well. She was not lazy.

But every evening, after the time of the evening meal, she would appear outside with a lawn chair. She would sit by the open garage door, on the driveway, with an extra, empty chair beside her, an open invitation to anyone who wanted to come visit. Just sitting, enjoying the evening. Often I'd see other neighbors (including my mother) join her. When it began to get dark, she folded up her chairs and went inside.

I can feel the peace and satisfaction. A day's work done. The home in order. The well-earned time to "sit a spell." And NO GUILT (real or imagined).

I like that picture. In fact, I want to LIVE that picture.

A Few Wedding Photos

I figured out how to snitch pictures off of LovelyDaughter's laptop, so I have a few photos from the wedding for you. These were all taken by our friend Swede, with the exception of the last one, which was taken by DrummerDude.

Now I just need to get DrummerDude to get me pictures off of his computer. He's got some very nice ones, including pictures of the whole family. But-- maybe later. For now, enjoy these...



The bride and her father. I think Hubby looks so handsome in a suitcoat. I've only seen him in one three times: our wedding, his brother's wedding, and now LovelyDaughter's wedding. In the background is the camping cabin belonging to JD's grandpa that we used for the dressing room for the bride and the bridesmaids.


LovelyDaughter running to her groom.


Ready to begin the vows. I put this one in so you can see what I was doing at this point. That's me to the left, playing my violin.


All three four of our guys. I'm so proud of them it almost hurts.


The bridesmaids.


Do you need a caption for this one? Actually, maybe you do. In the order of service JD wrote out for the preacher, this part was entitled, "JD pounces on LovelyDaughter." This was several long moments in, hence GuitarGeek's response.


The bridesmaids finally have a chance to chase down the cricket that had been climbing around in LovelyDaughter's skirts during the ceremony. I had wondered why the maid of honor kept smirking!


Getting ready to cut the cake. Remember, no chocolate on the wedding dress!


This is LovelyDaughter's favorite photo. A beautiful couple on a beautiful day in a beautiful place. This captures the feel of the day very well.

It might NOT be all in my head.

I feel like I've been very busy lately, even though I've mostly been just recovering from stress and lack of sleep.

I think I've discovered that there is actually a reason for my tiredness, weakness, achiness, and trouble sleeping.

In my few off moments lately I have been doing some research, and I have found out something helpful, and here it is: (drum roll please) My body is exhibiting 60% percent of the symptoms of fibromyalgia. So there just might be a real reason why I have felt the way I have for the last two years, and especially over the last six months.

All those constant aches? All that ridiculous fatigue, completely out of proportion to the activity? The depression? The migraines? Ah HA.

I'm not going to go to a doctor right now, mostly because, from what I read, doctors are extremely hesitant to make a diagnosis, but also because I can't see handing a medical professional ten thousand dollars to have him say, "I'm not sure what's wrong with you, but we can run some more tests." I can say that myself for free.

Oddly, the same symptoms can also be indicative of hormone imbalance (very possible for a woman of my age) or mineral deficiency. But there are other, more obvious, symptoms of hormone problems that I don't have, so I'm less inclined toward that theory.

My personal diagnosis opinion is that I have a problem absorbing minerals, or I use them at a high rate and am not replenishing them fast enough. (That idea comes from a home test I did using ph paper and spit saliva.)

But whichever it is, the solutions for all three problems are very much the same: Take calcium, magnesium, potassium, and maybe sodium. Cut down on stress. Get plenty of sleep. Drink water. Get a full body massage once or twice a week. Exercise. Eat healthy. Cut down on sugar and red meat.

So, for starters, I've been taking calcium, magnesium, and potassium three times a day, as well as some homeopathic tablets for aches, headaches and insomnia. And asking Hubby to PLEASE rub my legs and arms and back and head and neck and feet. Some nights that's the only way I can fall asleep, even doped up on minerals and pain reliever. (I am so blessed that Hubby is very willing to do that for me.)

Is it working? I think so. I'm sleeping better. Even though I'm still waking up around four in the morning with every muscle aching, I still feel more rested than I did before. (I'm thinking about getting something I can keep by the bed to take in the middle of the night.)

This knowledge is going to help me in other ways as well. For example, yesterday in church, about half way through the service, I found myself getting restless and cranky. I just wanted to get out of there. It happens a lot, especially on the days I'm on the worship team. A few minutes into the sermon I'm ready to LEAVE.

When I started to feel that way yesterday again, armed with my new information about my body-- instead of condemning myself for being unspiritual or unchristian-- I asked myself "is there a physical reason, rather than spiritual, for my feeling this way?"

And, lo, and behold, I discovered I was aching ALL OVER. That's why I could hardly sit still and listen. (I guess I'm not very observant with my body...) So I popped two ibuprofen, and found I was able to sit through the service, and even enjoy it.

Really, if this is my body's reaction to stress, it makes sense that I would often feel worst on Sundays and the day after, because there is some stress on Sundays: getting up and out earlier than other days, going through sound check and practice, being on stage, trying to plan meals when we have no idea from Sunday to Sunday what the day will pan out to be. Interacting with lots of people-- we love being with people, and feel energized while we're visiting, but since we are normally rather quiet, introverted people, we are very tired afterwards.

It's all good. But I guess it's taking a toll on my body just the same.

Now that I know what's going on, I'm sure things will get better.

Hmm... Maybe This Isn't So Bad...

So today Hubby and I are making history of some sort.

You see, yesterday afternoon GuitarGeek drove JD and LovelyDaughter to BigCity, where they were to catch a ride with MandoNut. He drives truck, and often goes to Chicago with a load (of what, I don't know. Just "a load.") He promised to make sure they got to the airport for their flight to Edinburgh. (In fact, their plane is probably leaving right about now.)

So they left, and MB3 went along for the ride-- just to BigCity, although I tried to convince JD that taking a younger brother-in-law along on a honeymoon trip could be FUN!-- and MB3 and GuitarGeek spent the night in MandoNut's apartment, and have spent today, I assume, hanging out doing fun stuff in BigCity.

Also yesterday, DrummerDude went to work for the second day on his new job.

Which I meant to tell you about. Saturday (two days after the wedding) DrummerDude was offered a job. An outside job, meaning, his first job not working for us or another family member.

This means big changes for us, because DrummerDude has always been Hubby's right hand man in our family business, and the second truck driver. MB3 is not 18 yet, so cannot legally drive a commercial vehicle, and GuitarGeek is still too incapacitated by CFS. I guess that leaves me to be the other worker till JD gets home. And even then, there's no guarantee he will work for us once he gets established on his own.

However, that's actually beside the point, because the point is that, with JD and LovelyDaughter on their way to Scotland, and GuitarGeek and MB3 in BigCity, and DrummerDude at work, Hubby and I have been home alone ALL DAY today.

I honestly can't remember the last time we have been alone, together, at home, with nobody around.

And you know what? It's actually been fun! Really!

We've worked in the kitchen together, we've split firewood, we've talked (and talked), we've sat outside at the picnic table, we've eaten together-- just the two of us. It kind of reminded me of the early days of our marriage, before we had kids, or when they were still very young.

Who knew?

Soon DrummerDude will get home from work, and the other two boys will arrive home from BigCity, and tomorrow we all need to get back to business.

But now I have hope for the future.

Maybe an empty nest won't be that bad. It might-- might-- even be a GOOD thing!

I don't have much to say...

However. I will say this: JD and LovelyDaughter have taken off for their month-long missions trip/honeymoon. They will be back October 4.

And me? I think I'm going to sleep for a few days.

Perhaps I Was A Little Hasty

I wrote last time that I was taking one day to look back at memories, and then-- "forward and onward."

Um. That sure sounded good written down, but I think that doesn't really work.

In reality, it's been going more like this: Friday morning Hubby and I hashed over all the events of the wedding and the ramifications of the changes in our lives. In the afternoon, ditto with the boys. By evening I was numb. No feelings at all, unless you count exhaustion. Especially since I didn't sleep from three o'clock on, the night before.

Saturday morning we unpacked and put away all the wedding stuff and cleaned everything up. In the afternoon, we had a birthday party to go to. In the evening, JD and LovelyDaughter opened their gifts, and we got to bed just after midnight.

Sunday morning, we were up early since it was our Sunday on the worship team. Then, JD's grandparents invited us out to eat. I managed to get in a nap-- much needed, since I didn't sleep well the night before: I kept waking up in a panic, thinking I had to get ready for the wedding-- and then I made supper for the family and JD's mom and sister.

I tell you all that so that you see I have had no time, really, to look either back or forward. But the volcano is bubbling, and once in a while I get a little eruption of emotion.

I think perhaps I will have days of mostly looking forward, with an occasional burst of grieving for the past.

And, mostly, odd moments of fear because I actually CAN'T see ahead very far, and I really have no idea, really, what life will be like with a married daughter. I can GUESS. I know what a couple of possible scenarios will be, but I don't truly KNOW.

I'm a little frightened and worried, while at the same time knowing all will be well and good.

Just breathe deep and take it slow.