Friday, August 31, 2007

Back From Insanity

Well, I'm back from the edge of insanity, and I brought something with me. If I could compose music, these words would be sung Evanescence-style, or a little like Kelly Clarkson's song "Behind These Hazel Eyes." Or perhaps Barlow Girls' song "Never Alone."

When the waves are kind,
and the water is shallow,
Then you answer me
when I call you.

But when I'm drowning
in the crushing tide,
I see you running away--
away from my side.

Help me
Hear me
Heal me
Save me-- save me

I know I am dangerous
You don't dare get too close
I know I can hurt you, wound you, drown you,
but even so, I need you to

Help me
Hear me
Heal me
Save me-- save me

I see what I've done
I know what I've said
I've hurt you, accused you
Now your heart is far from me

I pound
I scream
I plead
Is there anyone at home?

When I cry
When I bleed
Is there anyone at home?

Help me
Hear me
Heal me
Save me-- save me.

I even know what the music video should look like.

Black and white film, rocky beach, family playing. The mother is enjoying the shallow surf, but gets pulled farther and farther out to sea, till she is frantically fighting for her life. She calls for help, the family sees, and waves to her, all friendly-like. Then, as she begins to panic, the family becomes afraid and backs away farther up the beach so they can't hear her cries. They are afraid of her fear and her panic. She looks for her husband to help, but apparently he is too preoccupied to notice her.

At last she finds herself spit out by the sea, onto the sand with the water lapping around her gently. She is exhausted and crying. Suddenly her husband is there to rescue her. She looks confused, and then we see the whirlpool that her husband had been caught in himself when she thought he was ignoring her.

This can be interspersed with various scenes of her locked out of a house on a stormy night, and being in a fight with her husband, pounding on his chest, and being an injured victim of an accident with no one stopping to help her. Maybe even a few scenes of a little girl being abandoned or neglected.

I have learned a couple of things. One is, to be watchful of the lies that get told to me when I'm hurting. Not lies from people, but lies from who-knows-where that alternately whisper and shout in my head. It's just not true that "when you really need him, he will let you down." The truth is, people around me really do care, and if they seem to be un-helpful, it's not because they don't care, it's because they are not able. Two drowning people cannot rescue each other. Which brings me to the second thing I've learned: when I'm drowning, call the lifeguard, not a fellow swimmer.

These verses from Psalm 27 (KJV) helped me:

When my father and my mother forsake me,
then the Lord will take me up.

Teach me thy way, O Lord,
and lead me in a plain path
because of mine enemies.

Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies
For false witnesses are risen up against me,
and such as breathe out cruelty.

I had fainted,
unless I believed to see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait on the Lord;
be of good courage
and He shall strengthen thine heart.
Wait, I say, on the Lord.

I'm not sure what exactly "waiting on the Lord" entails, but when I prayed these verses as my own, the Lord began to strengthen my heart, and last night I could feel myself floating to the top, so to speak. I felt like a swimmer deep underwater feeling myself floating slowly upwards to the air and the light, and this morning I feel almost completely myself again. I find myself literally taking deep breaths of thankfulness and relief.


Marti said...

I think "waiting on the Lord" involves several things, one of which involves trusting that perceptions of the moment do not define all of reality, nor do the limit and predict the future. Sometimes the only answer for the moment is that He is at work in unseen ways, and at the same time present as He works.

Is. 50:10 NIV

10 Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.

Those who love us are indeed limited in the comfort they can render when they're not only busied with trying to stay afloat themselves, but not gifted with the ability to look through us to see what will effectively answer the deep need in us. We ourselves don't know at times until we encounter the answer.

II Cor. 2:9-11 NASB

9However, as it is written:
"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him"—

10but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

11For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

I have learned on days like today to let the present God be at work in unseen ways, and be selective in what I pass along and even whom I casually encounter. I don't think, at present that I have any duct tape available, and my wont is to go about things a little differently at that.

I'm not saying duct tape doesn't have its uses. I have a friend whose acreage is practically suspended by it. However, that sensation as it's pulled away from the face is disagreeable; I prefer withdrawl to somewhere that would allow no questions to be asked of me so that nothing is pulled away suddenly and shockingly.

Anonymous said...

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