Wednesday, October 17, 2007

What Happens When You Cross Golf With Football

I threatened a while ago to take notes some suppertime and give you a taste of GuitarGeek's brand of humor. Here's a small snatch from our anniversary supper.

But, first, let me set the scene. Now pay attention, or you might get whiplash from the sharp left turn, but this is typical at our house.

At wedding receptions in our area, it's traditional for the guests to tap their water glasses at odd and sundry moments. The sound of tinkling glasses is the signal for the bride and groom to kiss, and everyone joins in with applause when the couple stands up and does so. (The kisses get usually more passionate as the reception goes on, until eventually the parents of the couple start taking their turns. But that's beside the point.)

Now at some point during supper we were discussing the fact that today was our anniversary. Yay, we made it to twenty-six years! I started tapping on my glass, to signal "time for a kiss." Hubby pretended to be embarrassed and to stall for time. The kids joined in with the tapping, and eventually Hubby gave in with a quick peck. Which was his way of teasing me, because he often kisses me nicely at the table without anyone tapping on a glass. After the quick peck, I began applauding, because that's what you do when the bride and groom kiss; clapping softly, because to clap loudly would be self-serving, of course, so I clapped exaggeratedly gently, and others joined in, which (and here's the left turn-- hang on) reminded us of -- golf tournaments.

Once, a long time ago, we watched part of a golf tournament on TV and we were mesmerized by it. The announcers spoke in near-whispers. The golfers swung their clubs silently. The camera followed a nearly invisible white speck across the sky and watched it land. (At least, I think it landed. I couldn't tell very well.) The people clapped softly. Patter, patter, patter. Ssh. He's going to swing. Look, (whisper) he made a hole-in-one. Patter, patter. Ssh.

Our gentle clapping at the table reminded all of us of that golf tournament, and suddenly GuitarGeek was on a roll. Why, he wondered, are golf tournaments run that way? So gentle, so respectful, so ... quiet. What if they were run more like football games? Loud! Boisterous! Enthusiastic! Golf for the rednecks! Something like this......

{shouting announcer}"He's pulling out a club and waving it in the air! Yes! He's getting out Big Bertha!..... He takes a few practice swings..."

"Oh no! Looks like Monty is down for the count...." {poor bystander}

"Okay, he swi-ii-ings.....It's gone! A 50-yard drive! Looks like it's headed for the green. Well, Bob, I hope you brought your snorkel."

"Well, yes, Tom, he's been having a rough season..."

"Wait, he swings again! It's a long shot-- it's a .... it's ....It's a Hole-in-One! The crowd goes wild! You heard it here, folks! Back to you, Tom."

"Well, Bob, we've been having a bit of hot action on the field."

{speaking to the golf pro} "How do you feel after hitting that shot?"

"Great, man! It's the high point of my life! I've always wanted a hole-in-one!"

And there you have it, folks. Football Golf, GuitarGeek-style.

4 comments:

Lulu said...

Great play-by-play there! I don't understand watching golf being played on television. It seems like a big snoozer to me. I think that it should be played more like Adam Sandler's version in Happy Gilmore!

BTW...clink! clink! clink!

carrie said...

Hmmm me thinks GuitarGeek might be on to something....Happy Belated Anniversary...

mom huebert said...

Okay, lulu, I've got Hubby here. This one's for you: *smooch*!

My Ice Cream Diary said...

We did the tinkling glass kissing at our reception and I LOVED it. Personally I can't stand golf. Read it backwards and it spells flog, and no one likes being flogged.